I am Thankful for Grace to Trust God

When I returned to Lee after Christmas break in early 1973 the desire to know what God wanted me to do with my life intensified. I was doing what I knew to do and I still did not know what He wanted me to do (vocationally). I couldn’t escape a hunger for clarity. In early February I went on a week-long fast. I agonized throughout the week. Again in the prayer room on a Saturday night I wrestled with God specifically about whether I was called to preach. As always before, he didn’t answer. Finally, I exclaimed, “Father I don’t know if You want me to preach, but I am going to trust you to make it clear when You are ready if that is your desire for my life. Until then I am going to be the best layman I can be.” A huge burden lifted off me. For the next few days I felt like I was walking on air.

In that event I resolved to trust God to be God in my life. He did not have to reveal anything to me. He did not have to answer my questions about my future. He did not have to tell me His plans for my life. I could trust Him to tell me what I needed to know when I needed to know it. I surrendered my right to know, the ultimate surrender of control. It is one thing to trust God to keep His promises; it is another thing to trust God when He makes no promises and offers no assurances except what is written in the Word. Trust is sometimes following God when He refuses to disclose the destination or even mode of transportation.

Trusting God is seldom euphoric. Often it must be done in a state of numbness or even despair. Sometimes to trust is to die to yourself, not just die to your hopes and dreams, but to your very self. There have been occasions when I chose to trust God because it seemed the only sane option; trust God and die or don’t trust God and die. Given who He has revealed himself to be in my life, I chose to die trusting God. [I am of course referring to psychological/emotional death and not physical death.] I had to trust God more than I trust myself to know what is best, even what is real. It is only when we die to our right to know that we can accept the full gift of faith. In those times we come to know more fully that He is the vine and we are the branches. His life flows through us unencumbered when we have died to our rights, our very selves.

I am thankful for the grace to trust God. Such trust is indeed a gift, an expression of His love and faithfulness even when we cannot feel His presence.

Cleveland, Tennessee
January 14, 2010
JDJ

I am Thankful for a Word of Wisdom

I enjoyed my first semester at Lee, but I still struggled with uncertainty about God’s will for my life. The question was always on my mind. I spent a lot of time in prayer, but the heavens were silent. For weeks it was as if everything I said to God ascended to the ceiling and was there absorbed into a black hole. If I tarried long enough I would in my spirit hear a faint bell chiming through the abyss, like a gentle fog horn sounding from the shore announcing safe harbor is ahead. I spent as much time as I could in the prayer room but other than the bell, usually late at night, God could not be found. As I prostrated myself on Saturday evening wrestling just to hear something, anything, from God, I asked “what am I supposed to do with my life.” To my surprise He responded, “Do what you know to do.” I was ecstatic; God was speaking again. I rejoiced with enthusiasm; God was speaking to me. Then the question shot to the front of my brain, “what does that mean, what do I know to do?”

I began to prepare a list of the things I knew God expected of me: worship, Bible study, prayer, and witnessing. Those were the core duties I believed He required of me. As I walked back to my dorm I prayerfully reviewed the list, reciting it back to God and then He spoke again, “And fellowship with the saints, daily.” The “fellowship” part instantly rang true, but the “daily” part took me by surprise. It would be easy while I lived in a dorm on a Christian campus. I concluded it could be fulfilled in marriage, but I knew deep down He was referring to fellowship beyond the home, but I also knew this was a descriptive norm and not a legal necessity.

I came away from that encounter with a motto for my life, “when you don’t know what to do, do what you know to do.” I have preached on that subject several times and used it in counseling sessions. Others have come to associate it with me. As a pastor, it is encouraging to have people refer to things I have said as having significance in their lives. Without a doubt this motto is the most quoted truism of mine cited as being helpful. That is nice but for me the significance is that it has sustained me through many dark nights of the soul. When I am lost in the midst of a storm I remind myself God requires only that I be faithful in the things I know He wills for my life. I soon came up with a corollary personal proclamation, “I am going to keep on keeping on until I can’t, and then I am going to die and go to heaven.” Someone recently said they heard this statement as being very pessimistic. I don’t mean it that way. It is for me a declaration of determination and trust. I can do all God expects of me and I can trust Him to complete the rest and consummate it in His presence.

I am thankful God doesn’t put more on me than I can bear. He only requires that I be faithful. I am thankful for this personal word of wisdom that has sustained me through many difficulties. By His grace I will keep on keeping on, doing what I know to do.

Cleveland, Tennessee
January 13, 2010
JDJ

I am Thankful for this Exercise in Thankfulness

I recognize I am very early into a year-long project, but I need to state that this practice of writing something everyday has so far been a very positive experience. I have found myself reflecting throughout the day on things I should write about. (Three hundred and sixty-five is a daunting number and so I plan ahead.) In the process some thoughts of annoying situations have diminish, putting them in a more proper perspective. I am a happier person (OK, I know that is relative, I say in my most Eeyore voice.) I have also found the process has refreshed my memories. Things I once rejoiced greatly over are being renewed; I’m taking them less for granted. In short the discipline of being thankful is making me more thankful. Thanks be to God.

Cleveland, Tennessee
January 12, 2010
JDJ

I am Thankful for my Teachers at Lee College

I live in Cleveland, Tennessee. I teach at the Pentecostal Theological Seminary: A Ministry of the Church of God (now that’s a name for you) which is across the street from Lee University. I drive through the Lee campus most weekdays. Hence, I am constantly confronted with memories of my time there as a student. The campus has drastically changed; Cheryl says Paul Conn is a charter member of the “Building a Month” club. It does seem there is at least one new building every year. But the core of the campus remains much as it was thirty years ago, neater, cleaner, more flowers, but much the same at least from the outside. And so I have memories. Other than all the cherished time with Cheryl, my memories center on chapel, dorm life, the cafeteria, but mostly on conversations with faculty.

Dr. Martin Baldree was a great influence on my life. He was my second cousin once removed but I don’t think I ever got him to acknowledge that. His grandmother and my great grandmother were sisters if I understand correctly. When I was about ten my mom and dad introduced me to Martin’s father at a family reunion at the Laura S. Walker State Park in southern Georgia. My dad had referred to Martin occasionally, they were about the same age and Dad knew everybody who ever lived in Brantley County and all their children’s names. Martin had no idea who we were, he was a PK who had lived all over Florida.

Ken Andrews, my pastor in Alabama, thought very highly of Martin and encouraged me to get to know him. Since God had been very specific (“transfer to Lee College and major in Christian Education”) and Martin was the chairman of the department of CE I suspected it inevitable I would get to know him well, and I did. He was my advisor and I took all of the classes he taught, except Science and the Bible which at the time he team taught with Dr. O’Bannon.

Martin was of average height and of slim built. He had a contagious laugh. He chuckled often which usually crescendoed into a full blast of joy. He was extremely well read at least in all areas of ministry. He was one of the first Pentecostals to earn a doctorate in religion from an accredited school. His major assignments were often practical, gathering and preparing materials we could use in the local church. Yet he expected a high level of critical reasoning which is probably why I came to appreciate him so much. He encouraged discussion and I thrived on it. My approach was to take an extreme position and proceed to argue my point just short of frustrating (angering) him. For me this was a strategy of discovery. I wanted to know what he really thought because I valued his opinion, and so I learned quickly how to push his buttons. By giving me room to work through the options using him as a protagonist he gave me one of the greatest gifts of my life. Martin helped me clarify what I truly believed about Christian living. He is the only professor I have ever had who gave me so much liberty to learn (Dr. Findley B. Edge – a professor of Martin’s as well – at the Southern Baptist Theological Seminary came close). In the process it gave him a very skewed picture of me. He once said to me that he couldn’t figure out if I was a very liberal conservative or a very conservative liberal. I responded “both.” I shall always be thankful for Dr. J. Martin Baldree. He was one of those rare college teachers who engaged me as a person around things that mattered to me all within the scope of the curriculum; he wasn’t given to impressing others with his degrees.

Other faculty influenced me as well. I am also especially thankful for Dr. James Beaty who would later become a dear friend and grandfather figure for my daughters. James Slay was a great influence in part because of his endless anecdotes and in part because of his personal interest in my relationship with Cheryl; he would often stop us in the hallways and ask me in front of her “Do you know she is PH, wonderful people those P.H.”. I also took a couple of classes with Ron Harris (who still teaches at Lee) who always took a personal interest in me; I enjoyed just talking with him. Beatrice Odom has remained a powerful influence through her charming character and grace filled life. Two of my professors, Drs. Arrington and Gause would have a much greater influence on me when I became a student at the Church of God School of Theology (now the Pentecostal Seminary where I teach).

These are some of the faculty who influenced my life. I observed other professors giving similar attention to my fellow students. Almost without exception they were great men and women of God who saw their ministry at Lee as a Divine appointment. The vast majority of them are now retired or in heaven. I know many of the current Lee faculty and the majority shares the same vision and ministry. I am thankful for all of the Godly teachers at Lee, past and present. They have/are helping generation after generation of adolescents become adults who can think clearly and contribute to the greater good, most for the cause of Christ.

Cleveland, Tennessee
January 11, 2010
JDJ

I am Thankful for the Peace of God

I did not want to go to Lee College (now University). My brother, Jimmy, had been there in the late sixties. My sister, Shirley, was there when I graduated from high school in 1971. I had heard things that troubled me, specifically student life, but I also had an aversion to being in the “Headquarters City” for the Church of God. I also wanted to chart my own path and not be a tag-a-long to my sister, “he’s Shirley’s little brother.”

When God called me to Lee I dropped all of those objections and transferred. All was well until I arrived on campus. My dorm room was in Ellis Hall (the old dilapidated one). Most troubling was the cafeteria. Samford’s cafeteria was managed by Marriott. The food was quite good. At Lee I discovered meals less than desirable. I was quite miserable quite quick. On about my third day I left the cafeteria grumbling to God. I will never forget this event. As I stepped off the curb to walk across the street in front of the old music building I began to sing to myself, “Now let us have a little talk with Jesus, let us tell Him all about our troubles…” By the time I stepped up on the curb on the other side of the street I had peace and joy about being at Lee. From that moment forward I enjoyed my time there. I came in that experience to know there is peace in knowing you are in the will of God, if you are willing to accept it.

I cannot say I have lived in perfect peace all my life. There have been times of perfect despair, long, dark nights of the soul. One of the things that has sustained me has been confidence I am where I am because God has brought me here, wherever here is at the time. I refuse to make a major change in life without a strong sense it is the will of God, although I have been sorely tempted at times. On those occasions I vision myself stepping out into a black abyss (sometimes this image of an abyss has to be painted over what looks like a really great opportunity). Do I really want to go there without an assurance God will be with me? And so I stay where I am planted until I know He has said it is time to move. In this, I live with an underlying peace even when storms rage all through my life.

Cleveland, Tennessee
January 10, 2010
JDJ

I am Thankful for Family

[My apologies, this one is long, philosophical, and sermonic.]

I am not here writing about my family, although I am extremely thankful for my family. Instead I am offering thanksgiving for God’s familial design for human life and fulfillment. I offer this thanksgiving in the face of an all out assault on the family. I am not just referring to the so-called “traditional” nuclear family of a husband, wife, and two or more children. I am referring to the long standing social order that recognizes marriage between a man and a woman as the foundational social unit and that this unit forms the center of other core relationships that are intergenerational and larger than blood-ties. I am not here trying to defend the modern Evangelical image of family; it is too Roman in origin and influenced too little by the Scriptures.

Neither am I just referring to the most recent attempts to redefine marriage to include homosexual partnerships. Challenges to the Western concept of family began long before this current skirmish. Perhaps the first modern battle was when agrarian society was replaced by urban/industrial society resulting in the nuclear family replacing the extended family as the primary social unit. It might be argued that in that battle young adult males were thrust into roles of authority for which they were ill-equipped. Certainly, the nuclear family was dislodged from a strong communal network. By the time the industrial age was full-blown fathers were leaving home to work and provide for their nuclear families; mothers were forced into the conflicted role of sub-monarch, ruler in father’s absence, servant in his presence. In the twentieth century three nineteenth century inventions liberated women: the phone gave them social interaction, the automobile gave them social mobility, and the typewriter gave them employment. World War II gave them opportunity to explore their full humanity outside the home. In short, the problem began when fathers left the home not later when mothers began to work outside of the home. [OK, I am aware the West has been patriarchal from ancient times.]

Another assault on the family has been the rise of a powerful youth culture fueled by the warehousing of children and adolescents in public schools where they developed mono-generational social systems contrary to the multi-generational (bi-generational) home. Modernization and urbanization has caused children and youth to have few resources to contribute to the family’s welfare while extending the timeframe in which they must remain at home. Families are not equipped to function well when adolescence is elongated and youth (especially males) are forced into a liminal state of already, but not yet, adulthood.

By the end of the twentieth century we had become a culture of narcissists, each one living for their own gratification. Sex has come to be seen as recreation rather than an expression of intimacy. Marriage is viewed as an obstacle to freedom and in the USA the majority of children are born to parents who are not married. We live in an age dominated by two extreme passions, personal happiness and national identity as if nothing in between the two extremes really matters. In this environment the survival of the family unit is in doubt and if it fails so will the human race. Yet, I am not without hope.

The family defines our existence and fuels our capacities. I am fully aware of the harm that can be done within families. As a pastor I see the residual effects of neglect and abuse. Even when the cycle of despair appears broken it has often only gone underground. Addictive and abusive personalities pass from generation to generation. Often persons delivered from drugs or alcohol will become workaholics who neglect their children or their children will substitute another addiction for the one they saw in their parents thinking they have broken the cycle. Those abused in childhood may grow up to be abusers but it is more likely in an effort to not be abusive they will over compensate and not provide the needed boundaries in their children’s lives. Never the less, it is the family that provides the genetic and psychological structure for our capacities, the building blocks for our potential. It is in the family that we first define our “place” and begin the process of discovering how big that place can be.

The family is the primary educational institution of the world. It is from the family we learn the most, and the most important, lessons in life. Everything we learn from outside of the family is merely a refinement, clarification or expansion of the spacial/relational realities first learned at home. Our early experiences with family are the seedbed for those universal values of justice, mercy, and love upon which all civilizations depend for order.

The family is the cornerstone of all human societies and the primary safety net for the needy and the hurting. I know families fight; more than once I have been called to mediate those fights (usually late at night). What we do not celebrate enough is the norm, families coming together to meet each other’s needs. Personal crises are seldom made public because the family has already acted to meet the need. The disabled, the infirmed, and the mentally ill are cared for most often by their families, and so it should be. I thank God I live in a country where there are programs to care for those whose families lack the resources or the integrity to care for their own. However, I often wonder if some of our social programs of care do not undermine the core fabric of civilization, the family.

Most significantly, I am thankful for the family because it is the foundational presentation of the image of God. It was not man in the person of Adam that was created in the image of God, it was man in totality, Adam and Eve. (“God created man in His own image, in the image of God He created him; male and female He created them” Genesis 1:27). Our triune God is a social being who eternally exists as three persons knowing each other. Our very ability to conceive of God is born in the relationships of the family, even in the most dis-functional of families. Specifically, our relationships with our fathers (or primary male figure) and mothers (or primary female figure) are instrumental in our ability to conceive of God and believe we can know Him. Certainly those relationships are marred by sin and create barriers to a true knowledge of God, but more importantly they create the inner desire to know a faithful, loving, powerful Creator who is our Heavenly Father. And they provoke us toward perfect knowledge of a perfect God. I thank God for families, without them the human race would degenerate into hopelessness and savagery. With them the quest for a better society and an eternal home will be renewed.


Cleveland, Tennessee
January 9, 2010
JDJ

I am Thankful for God’s Direction.

The night I was first filled with the Spirit my thoughts frequently returned to the question of God’s will for my life. I had heard testimonies of people being called to preach when they were filled with the Spirit and so I kept looping back to question God if that was His will for my life. He didn’t answer. At seventeen, I really wanted to know God’s will for remainder of my life. That quest intensified as I entered Samford University in the fall of 1971, turning eighteen a few weeks later. I was a math and physics major, but my plans were to become an actuarial lawyer. During that first semester, I fasted and prayed often for an answer. In February I was still seeking for peace about my chosen vocation and I was trying to accept that God would direct my path with or without a clear answer to the long-term questions of life.

My room at Samford was in Crawford-Johnson Hall (later torn down to make room for Beason Divinity School). Crawford-Johnson was a “U” shaped, two story dorm with its own courtyard. The inside base of the “U” was covered with a portico which led to all of the hallways and rooms. One morning I was walking alone down the portico on my way to class (I wasn’t praying) when God spoke to me, “Transfer to Lee College and major in Christian education.” Again, this was not an audible voice; they were clear and specific words sounding inside my head. Continuing to walk, I responded, “Yes, Lord, but what is Christian education?” I knew it had something to do with the Sunday school and other church ministries, but I wasn’t certain what anyone did with a degree in it. [This event was almost exactly one year after I was filled with the Spirit.]

A few weeks later I was home in Jacksonville for spring break [My parents had moved back to Florida during the Thanksgiving break]. Our pastor, Bud Braddock – whom I had known since childhood, asked me if I would be willing to work for the church as Minister of Education during my summer break. I answered I would pray about it, that’s what you are suppose to say, but I knew instantly it was God’s way of confirming what he had said. I did work for the church that summer; that’s a different story.

I am thankful God speaks when He chooses and sometimes He confirms through people what He has said. I am also (but less) thankful God sometimes speaks through silence. In time I had to learn God sometimes (most often?) speaks by forcing us to choose a direction and then step out in faith that He will catch us if we fall. Through it all, He leads those whom He has chosen and He has chosen who-so-ever will follow Him. The call to go to Lee College was one of the most important interventions of my life. It set the stage for God’s vocational call and my greatest decision.

Cleveland, Tennessee
January 8, 2010
JDJ